Dear Worthing Raiders
Thank you for losing last saturday , only this time against those other tyros from Cornwall -Launceston . Defeat after defeat I can live with , but when you spring the odd victory as you did the previous saturday , it does nothing for my peace of mind as it has me feeling optimistic that you might one day become a decent side.The problem I have with that is that it will compel me to go and watch you on a regular basis, which could prove very expensive .With that in mind I say stay rubbish for ever more whilst continuing to reflect the ever present sporting mediocrity in Sussex.
Before you say “Brighton and Hove Albion” please let me remind you they are currently doing a very good impression of a football side desperate to be relegated, which means they are “doing shite”.
You already tricked me once when you went and won the National league 2 South back in the 2012/2013 season and thus gained promotion to the National League 1.I then began to think that hope would spring eternal and that one day you might well become a prominent club in the very highest league in the country ,namely the Aviva premiership ,where Wasps, Tigers, Sharks and Quins reside.How naive I was , because that was never your intention, a fact made evident by your disastrous showing the following season when you ended propping the league after losing virtually every game .
By that time I had gotten beyond disappointment ,despair and ,even, resignation.I began to accept that your true role in life is to be eternal losers but that you would do so graciously , benignly and at all times displaying that most marvelous of English traits - the Corinthian spirit .Thats the one where the result of the match does not matter provided you put on a good show for the masses and behave impeccably.I believe you display those traits admirably , so much so you show yourselves to be the true moral victors .Well done and please have another pint of grog!

As most people know we the English, invented the world's most prominent sports.We then gave them to the colonials and people who speak odd languages out there so their respective natives could beat whatever English representatives could be cobbled up to play them. Quite often the defeats were resounding but we never minded because we knew their determination to put one over our boys, was the biggest compliment they could pay us.One should also bear in mind that certain colonies and I speak of the Antipodes in the main , are cultural deserts so giving them those sports at which they could excel, filled a very evident gap.Now and again and just to remind them who their real masters are , we give them a sound thrashing. Nevertheless the win /lose ratio favours them ,which is fine provided they know their place .We are ,after all ,the master people, having once owned a quarter of the world and, in the process, spread Anglo saxon civilisation.

Now on a more parochial level I feel that you ,Worthing Raiders, best exemplify that spirit .We all know everyone wants to beat you because they think you are either a bunch of southern jessies or posh gits from the south east, but you dont care because you know right is on your side as you maintain that stiff upper lip so characteristic of the well brought up ex-public school types.

Having accepted your impending doom .ie continuing relegation until there is nowhere else to fall, I look forward to the day when you will be playing the likes of Barnes Green, Pulborough and Angmering .I mention Angmering because they , of course, have no team at all, being as it is your club that is situated in that village..You could of course pretend to be playing them, in which case you might actually win a match -15 players against 15 ghosts. I have a mate who,in thought if not in deed, plays tight head prop for them . H e is over 70 ,never played before in his life but having been an arm chair critic of some considerable repute , could probably pass a few handy tips on how to push and shove.He is a chirpy fellow from Bermondsey , SAAARF East London who ,rather than grunt as he crouches, sets and engages, chirps like a sparrow as any self respecting cockney geezer would .I have seen him doing this in his very garden, so be warned because that thought may well one day become a reality.It is a deliberate ruse designed to to unsettle the opposition and make them feel utterly bemused . It could work but I wont take any bets.
I have it on good authority that one day he plans to breaks into a Morris dance, so be warned because that could be as threatening as any haka is .